Proving that he's really a good guy beneath that hardened exterior, Big George takes time out from world domination to teach pupils how to write a smash hit using Steinberg's Rebirth software.
There are many roads to chart success. Big George gives you directions...
I dunno about you, but lately I wonder why anyone gives a monkey's about making music. All the best tunes have been written. Orchestral music was sewn up centuries ago by dead geezers like Bach, Mozart and Beethoven. Modern dance music can be churned out to order with cheap software sequencers. And Elvis Presley is back performing live on stage as a hologram (true).
It's a serious problem, and for once I don't have a smart‑arsed answer. So this month I thought I'd be no serious help at all. Instead, let's cheer ourselves up with a look at the state of our wonderful pop charts and an examination of how we might take advantage of them. I know the pop chart has nothing to do with credible music, but it is the easiest way of having loads of fun, with the possibility of earning tons of money and receiving fanatical and undeserved adulation! I'll start by pigeonholing the types of music (sic) currently residing in our Top 40:
1. Bouncy manufactured plastic dance combos.
2. Feet‑gazing sad indie herberts.
3. Banging sequenced dance variations.
4. Foreign imports (mainly American).
5. One‑hit novelty nightmares.
That's what the punters want to buy. Now how can you use the knowledge to make a packet?
1. Bouncy Manufactured Plastic Dance Combos
If you've got your own studio and can be bothered to produce current pop pap, get down to the local shopping centre and scout out 3/4/5 boys/girls wearing bright clothes. Make sure they can dance, and wallop — you'll have yourself an instant record deal. But what about the small matter of the music and singing? The music's easily sorted: cover an old '70s pop tune (you'll get financial support from the publisher). As for the singing, get professionals in, or acquire an Auto‑Tune plug‑in — it's what everyone else in this category does. Also, if you know a fat businessman who wants to hobnob in the music industry, let him bankroll the entire project!
2. Feet‑Gazing Sad Indie Herberts
Don't be misled by the knowledge that you're just as good as, if not better than, the likes of Travis or Stereophonics. There are thousands of wannabes out there, and only a few get more than a sniff at the big time. If you really want chart success, pick another category. (NB. To singer/songwriters with great songs, who believe the world will adore them when they hear the power of their music's message, my advice is become a cab driver or plumber now, before you waste your entire life on a fool's errand.)
3. Banging Sequenced Dance Variations
It's amazing how many middle‑aged duffers like me think that because they know how to switch on a sequencer and loop a sample they can make a dance track that will sell to the masses. The truth is, the nearer the age of the punter you are, the more chance you'll have of not being a sad case in category 1 or 5. Understanding the scene, getting the right DJs to play your track (both live and on Radio 1FM) and making it available in specialist record shops at the correct time is what it's all about — as well as knowing a few newspaper and magazine people. If you get it right you'll simply need to sit back and wait for a major label to license your work.
4. Foreign Imports
If I had really hot tips on how to crack it BIG TIME as a writer or producer Stateside, d'you think I'd be slogging over an old‑fashioned typewriter taking the mickey out of you? Start with a passport and some money (I reckon two grand is the minimum to begin with — plus at least one credit card). It helps if you can blag a place to stay, too. It's a fact that there are loads of Brits sipping cocktails by the pool and watching their royalties mount up in LA, NY or Nashville. There are stacks of opportunities for you to lay your golden egg out there. But it'll mean getting off your arse — so we may as well dump that one.
5. One‑Hit Novelty Nightmares
Simply write a pile of crap with a jolly rhyme, get Bobby Davro or a purple furry hippopotamus to sing it, in conjunction with a film/TV show/advert/major news event and BOSH! You're loaded. WARNING! Whatever you do, don't say at the beginning of the project that you're donating all the money to charity, or you'll be sorry. This could be your one real earner. Don't let it slip through your fingers!
In A Nutshell
And there we have it — sure‑fire, easy ways of becoming a global superstar. But will you follow my step‑by‑step methods to success? Well, how many of you who read March's column (where I told you to send your tracks to your local FM station) actually did what I said? Apathy rules, you whining moaners. See you next time, pop pickers.