DOING THE BUSINESS

Big Georges Guide To Commercial Success: Christmas Wish List

Published in SOS December 2000
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Music Business

I have said many times, in print and in real life, that Sound On Sound is the greatest music-making magazine that has ever existed. The reviews are unbiased and accurate, the interviews are with happening movers and shakers, the editorials are insightful and informative, and the Sounding Off page is an open forum for any loud mouthed know-it-all who wants to take a pop at the music industry (that's where I got my break into the heady world of journalism). The integrity of this magazine is beyond reproach, from Molly the mail order administrator, right up to the editor. Sound On Sound is dedicated to truth and honour and has no truck with self-interest on the part of any of the contributors. So seeing that this is the December issue, I've decided to take the liberty of using it to send Father Christmas my wish list.

Dear figment of my childish imagination,

I've been a good boy all year and I deserve lots of presents. One of the gifts I want in my Yuletide stocking is a brain-to-MIDI convertor. Why? Well, I can be walking down the street, or having my breakfast, and I'll hear a tune in my head which is so complete and perfect that it is bound to be a Worldwide Smash Hit. But after I've gone to the bother of actually switching on my setup, spent hours programming the hi-hat pattern to perfection, and created my own groove-quantise template, it ends up sounding like an early Ultravox B-side. (No disrespect to Ultravox, but for every 'Vienna' they churned out there were a dozen bleepy pieces of nonsense that Casio would have rejected for their bottom-of-the-range wristwatch alarm). With a brain-to-MIDI convertor I'll be able to think of a tune and download it instantly to my sequencer. Obviously I'll need to have a connection surgically installed somewhere in my head (and no, contrary to popular belief, my brain is not situated in my backside), but I'm sure the NHS will see it as a priority.

Next I want a Fairy Dust rack module. For years I've been pulling the wool over the eyes of clients who turn up to listen to "work in progress" by turning the track up to ear-splitting volume through the big speakers and telling them that the cheesy thin tune they are hearing will sound unbelievable once I've covered it in Fairy Dust. But all I actually do is stick loads of reverb on it and boost the bass and treble knobs on the mixer. So a proper Fairy Dust box would be incredibly handy.

My next wish is for a vintage Fender Stratocaster guitar with everlasting new strings that never go out of tune, a Fender Jazz bass with perfectly dead strings (both with electrics that don't crackle), and the kind of acoustic guitar that big-haired, self-absorbed LA rock tossers play on MTV's Unplugged series. I may detest their watered-down, bland ramblings, but I'm always jealous of their fantastic guitar tones.

Also, Santa, could you drop off a Media Translator? I get so confused when someone from a company that's commissioned some work from me says "I'm not sure what I want, but I'll know it when I hear it", or "can we give it a more modern feel?", or (my particular favourite) "I'm not sure if I like it, I'll have to go and ask my boss". If I had a Media Translator it would make perfect sense of all the directives I'm given (as opposed to me just going away, sticking loads of reverb on, boosting the bass and treble, then saying "I've done exactly what you suggested and it sounds perfect", though that does seem to work in the majority of cases...).

There are other things that I may just get myself in the New Year with all the gift vouchers I'm expecting from the readers of SOS — like you! (Calm down. That was a joke — though Christmas cards are always appreciated.) These include:

• A serious Auto-Tune box or plug-in. If it's good enough for Steps, Westlife and Britney Spears, it's good enough for me and my atonal wailing.

• A decent microphone. My trusty Shure SM58 is all well and good, but a big-shot media tart like me really ought to have a big fat microphone in a shock mount.

Write Christmas     Use your Christmas hols to drop me a line about any aspect of the music business you'd like me to look into. You can write to me here at SOS, email me on big.george@soundonsound.com or log on to my web site, www.biggeorge.co.uk, which also has links to most of my previous SOS articles.

• A 21st century computer — but as a committed Apple Mac fan I've got a considerable wait, as Steve Jobs and Co. seem to have coupled their revolutionary vision for the computing future with a clause stating that all music software will be rendered unstable and impossible to upgrade to unless all other existing gear is replaced.

• A lush EQ gizmo to warm up everything I record, so that it sounds as though Quincy Jones was the engineer. (My tip is: that boy will go far.)

• A tutor book that covers playing techniques (including how to play piano with more than one finger), studio expertise and vocal dexterity, and absolutely guarantees to saturate me with talent.

And that's the end of my Christmas list. Not much help to you if you rely on this column for your business inspiration, but if that's the case you're obviously a desperately tragic individual with no hope of ever getting anywhere. All that remains for me to do this month is to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a successful 2001.